i knew i wasn’t gonna find you so i gave up the dream
          and even though once, i thought i finally came close, i didn’t let the dream come back.

you were best forgotten and  anyway,

             i needed more room for the possible.

i tried to laugh often and fill up the space around me so i wouldn’t notice what wasn’t there

            (any room you’re not in is empty as far as i’m concerned)

but

after a dream dies, there’s also the burial (and the haunting) and

          so a part of me was still waiting.
i could feel it trying to bring me back to the impossibility of you

but i couldn’t let that happen.

and i promise not that long ago

your arrival was a truth i believed in

but every room i walked into was empty and
   you took your time and the shadows in my heart got bigger and bigger

and then eventually they were all that was left.

if i’m honest
a part of me still hoped that maybe i was wrong and you were out there after all
and maybe you were writing about the shadows, too  

              but i inherited the homesick hearts of three generations of women

who waited for something that almost belonged to them but never did

                  and i couldn’t hold on to that.

if i’ve failed you i’m sorry,
but if i’m right about this you’re already on your way home to

                     someone else.

so i’m saying this here,
now,
so that i can let go.

I forgive you for not knowing the way to me.
I forgive every map that led you to a room i’d never walk into.
I forgive you for every arrival
somewhere else.